... Okay I was really going to do this, I even started writing as Tiger but then I realized that his situation is pretty sad and it wasn't as funny as I had hoped. So much for outrageous.
I've noticed lately that my people skills have taken a major hit. I'm generally a fairly awkward person but lately I've been much worse during introductions and basic conversations. Instead of seeking out a real solution to this problem, I'm going to pretend that I'm an expert on communications and present some tips for better people skills:
How to Win Friends, Influence People, and be straight up Sexy
by Josh Sizemore
Chapter 1 - Realizing You're a Loser
Have you ever wanted everyone to like you AND be physically attracted to you? Probably, unless you're some kind of weirdo. Only one problem - you're a pathetic little loser. That really stinks. Well lucky for you I'm already awesome. "But how does your greatness benefit me?" you ask. I knew you'd say that, that's the kind of question losers always ask. I hate it. Well anyway, I'll tell you: I've achieved so much success in my life that all I have left to do is give back to all the pathetic people. I know your little brain is getting tired, so I'll go on and give you some advice that will increase your likability ten fold:
1. When meeting someone for the first time, it is crucial to make good eye contact. The best way to gain a person's trust is to get them to stare at your pupils. The human pupil possesses a certain sincerity that says, "Hey, he has little black circles on his eyeballs too, we share a common bond." I've made this acronym to help you remember to seek out people's pupils:
2. Always speak louder than the person you are being introduced to. This will convince the person that you are way more confident than them and ensure that they know you're in control. You will never gain a person's respect unless you cause them a little bit of eardrum pain. Here is a little exercise I often like to do: when you are being introduced to someone, pretend that you are listening to music through headphones. If done properly, this will ensure that you're voice comes out at least 5 times louder than a normal person's speaking voice. These unexpected fits of shouting will immediately make your new acquaintance uncomfortable and confused, rendering you the boss of this new relationship.
... Having just read that I would say that your personal worth has skyrocketed from "complete nothing" to "piece of gum I just stepped on in the parking lot". You are well on your way.
Yeah. I'll be honest with you, I have no idea what just happened. I had no intentions of writing a self-help book in this blog. Or anywhere, ever. I should probably apologize, there was some mean stuff in there. But if you remember my earlier paragraph, this book was me giving advice to myself. I'm so confused. I gotta take an exam in the morning. Goodnight world.